When I received my diagnosis in 2011, of a terminal, inoperable brain tumor, I gave myself up to the treatment recommended by my physician. Unfortunately, the high dose steroids I took only left me physically and emotionally shattered with no apparent effect on the tumor, so I am now faced with the option of radiation or other powerful drugs that take a huge toll on the body and mind and may not cure me. As one might imagine, I am feeling rather reluctant to give myself back to the doctor. Having to rebuild myself literally from the ground up after the first treatment, was no picnic. It was, and is, a slow and continuing process of self-evaluation and constant shifting towards the light. If I have learned anything form this experience it is that my survival requires absolute trust in my spiritual training, along with a solid commitment to let go of that which does not serve to heal me.
Not everyone has the strength to keep up the fight. Leaning into the light gets tiring and I often just want to submit to my desires and feed my addictions. I have fallen into shadow more than I’d like to admit, hopelessness silently screaming in my head to give in to that bottle of wine and the surrender of bottomless sleep. Yet my health training urges me on to work on myself and I have no other choice but to head up, like a ship turning into the wind, and brace myself for the rough journey ahead.
Being a practitioner of alternative medicine, I have learned many ways to participate in my healing process. I want to completely heal from my tumor, but even if I cannot, just being on this path helps me to heal from a lot of past injury to my body and soul. I stepped in the center of the medicine wheel when I decided to not injure myself anymore, or allow anyone else to injure me, and promised to honor and express my true feelings in a compassionate way. I’ve come to realize that I am healing my whole self, including my life story, and not just a tumor. As I pull myself up by the bootstraps and give myself to my higher power, I also give myself permission to love and to be a beacon of hope for others.
NAMASTE,
MinisterCynthiaLouise