HERE’S MY PLAN FOR DYING!
Message to my family:
Hopefully, I will have time to put all the following into place, but if not, please complete any overlooked details. Please reference my existing documents – living will, durable power of attorney, etc. – for overall direction. I will choose one champion who can oversee and monitor all parts of my dying process. If I haven’t done so, please select a champion by secret ballot. If my champion is a family member or friend who is taking family medical leave to be with me, pay them three times their current salary from my estate funds to offset any monetary losses they might incur. The champion can call on any “delegate” (family or friends) to help out and or to relieve the champion for breaks. Get hospice to do the bed changes, bathing, etc. In other words, to do anything I would be embarrassed to have a family member do. Please protect my dignity at all costs.
IF I WERE DYING…
I’d like to discuss my death in a dispassionate manner with my family. Let’s introduce the “elephant in the room,” regarding dying, last requests, cremation, and legacy.
The whole premise needs to be “it’s all about me.” My dying requests are how I want my last days to be lived. I want peace, beauty, and comfort as I go about this auspicious process of dying. The caveat is that I don’t want the time artificially prolonged so no IV’s, forced feedings, etc. I plan to do as much of the following as I can, but if time runs out please do the following:
- Pick my favorite room and make it my castle as I die. Currently that would be my lovely east-facing bedroom. Each wall should be themed so that lying in a certain position I would see things – things that I would value and appreciate… do so tastefully and they can be rotated.
- Take my favorite paintings from all over the house and place them on each wall of my room at or below the surface of the bed. Position some against the wall resting on the floor and/or on the ceiling so that I can see them when I look up or roll over.
- Place candles in large to small groupings on surfaces around the room.
Use only scents that you know I would like or completely unscented if you are uncertain. I’d like daily unscented Febreze (or equivalent), if available, otherwise the citrus & light scent.
If unscented candles are burning open a vial of essential oil. Any clean fresh scents or you could spray an understated perfume on one side of the bed so I can turn away if I need a break.
Favorites scents include rose, cinnamon and peppermint.
- I adore fresh flowers. I like small, simple, understated flower arrangements of any of these individually or in combination. No overly scented flowers please.
Daisies (yellow not white), Black-eyed Susans, Cone flowers, Gerber daisies, Roses
- Place medical supplies behind screens (e.g. the draped fabric or screened by flowers or paintings or better if can be out of room completely).
- Open the drapes – lots of real light.
Best to take me to the favorite daylight room.
Move my bed to the room I liked the best. For now, my east facing bedroom.
When conditions permit, move my bed or wheel chair outside into the sun, and please let me feel the sun, while protecting from too much.
- Use the softest, most comfortable sheets (that fit well and don’t bunch up)
If I kick off the covers, I am HOT – don’t put them back on!
Get lamb’s wool or cashmere for me to lie on. My bony body is going toache and anything knobby on me will get sore.
- Daily sponge bath.
- Daily lovely pajamas or gown.
Cut the scratchy labels out of any clothing. Run your fingers over thearea to make sure it is smooth.
Cut the seams and rejoin them with Velcro for ease of putting the gown or PJs on me – make sure the little sticky parts of the Velcro are not exposed to irritate my skin.
- Please brush my hair. If I have time before taking to the bed, I plan to get my hair cut stylishly short for ease of care.
Put on my earrings. I have worn them every day of my life. Please continue my tradition. I haven’t worn much makeup through my life but a little now would make me look less pale and “death-like” (a little gallows humor).
Shave any wild hairs that would embarrass me in my regular life.
- I would love a manicure and a pedicure periodically.
Paint my fingernails and toenails a soft pink color – one coat only.
Please file any breaks in nails and remove hangnails. They can be so irritating.
- I enjoy music, but I am so sensitive to sound. So most of the time I prefer silence, but a few times a day, a little music would be nice. But please turn it on softly.
Motown, Carol King, James Taylor, Emmy Lou Harris
Mellow rhythm & blues
Phil Coulter and similar instrumentals
No radio please! No news. No talk shows. No current music which getsstuck in my head.
- No television in my room or anywhere that I could hear it!
- Even if you are not convinced that I can hear you and/or understand you – PRESUME THAT I DO!
Place a sign in the room – “Presume that I hear everything.”
Sit quietly with me after you announce who you are.
Ask me questions as they occur to you. See if I groan or react positively or negatively. If not, do what you feel that I would want.
If I am restless, see if there is something that is bothering me (couldbe as simple as straightening a crease in a sheet under me).
- Please do not talk over or around me – no conversations just with someone else in the room – I must be included in the discussion, in the first person. Overall, I prefer one visitor at a time.
If I can’t speak, watch my face for clues.
If I am grunting or groaning try to figure out what might be bothering me. I may be in pain. Please err on the side of giving pain meds, rather than worrying about addiction (Really?! I am dying, remember!) or speeding up my demise (again, that’s kind of a moot point).
If I have hospice workers or hopefully a vetted nurse or nurse practitioner, please keep a close eye on them for their compassion, competence, and honesty. Immediately fire them if you are not satisfied. I have too little time left to have anyone mess up my peaceful exit from this world.
- If you would like to, hold my hand for a short time.
- If you would like to touch me, ask me if I want a gentle massage, then lightly work on extremities – see how I react.
- You could read a good book to me. I have always liked to read and I really like being read to. If no one is visiting, books on tape are nice.
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“Tongue in cheek,” for example, “The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared.”
Philosophy: Kant, Aristotle, etc.
Adventure: Clan of the Cave Bear, etc.
Science Fiction: Ray Bradbury, Heinlein, Orson Scott Card, etc.
- Let no one in the room who might upset me!
If I avoided them in life I sure want to avoid them in death.
Remember, it’s all about me. It doesn’t matter if their nose is “out of joint.”
- Afford me the dignity with which I comported my lifetime.
Keeping my surroundings peaceful, pleasant and lacking in little irritants will make my work of dying easier. I really want to get this event right. There won’t be a second chance and I plan to enjoy myself in the process. [written June 2013]
To my readers
As you reflect on my specific requests, I hope that you will be motivated to make a “Dying Plan” too. If you think of other ideas, please let me know. The better thought out this event is, the more peaceful and fulfilled we and our loved ones will be.