Earlier this month, I went in for an outpatient procedure. As I was getting prepped for surgery, one of the nurses asked me if I had a living will or power of attorney. Do I need one?! was my panicked thought, but I only answered that no, I didn’t. She didn’t elaborate on the issue, and by the time I succumbed to the anesthesia, I almost forgot about the whole thing.
I tend to think about death a lot. It isn’t something I wish for by any means, but it is such an important part of our life cycle that I can’t help but wonder what everyone else does. What happens when we die? Is there an afterlife? Will I be ready for my time to go?
At the moment, I think no. But I am not sure if I ever met a person that said they were ready for it. My grandpa who passed away in 2011 might have been, but it was not something I actually talked to him about. He was so weak and dependent on so much medication and machines that I like to think that he was ready for my own peace of mind. It is what helps me mourn uninterrupted and quietly. It helps me move on.
Then at times, I think about a schoolmate who died at roughly 15, shot by a gang member near my elementary school. I knew him well enough in life. He was artistic, subtly religious, and was good looking that my friend would try to get his attention when he could. I saw them report his death on the news. Apparently, his last words were questions on why this happened. Why was he going to have to die? I think about that every now and then and wonder if there is any way to move on from that sort of loss. At 15, about to enter high school, I never like to think that he was ready to face his end. Why should have he? He was at the prime of his youth with the world at hand–and suddenly time stops in an instant.
That is likely my fear: time. Not having enough of it. There are dreams that I have that I want to see turn into a reality. I think that sometimes we think that something drastic will occur, like lightning will strike and suddenly, everything you ever wanted falls into your lap. Real life doesn’t actually work that way. Real life is quiet and monotonous; if there is something I have learned in life is that change is something you have to create for yourself.
Often times, we make excuses for why we cannot work toward that goal or dream, but in the end, excuses are just that. You can’t keep blaming your parents, friends, lover, the cat in the alley or whatever. There comes a time when you just have to suck up all that make you who you are, own up to it, and be in charge of your life. Deal with obstacles and try to be who you are and want to be. Life is sometimes too short to worry about the what ifs and failures. The worst that can happen from failure is that you fall down. It never means you cannot get up.
Life is too short to worry about how everyone else thinks or views you or your life. If you are in charge of your life, there needs to be some moment to just stop caring about what people think about you. Let them think and say whatever they want, but the less you care, the better it will be. In the end, the best way to show someone they were wrong is to do good and keep doing good. In the end, you don’t want to die with regrets.
When I die, I hope it comes with the peace that I have done all I was meant to do. I hope that I have done what I dreamed of doing, that I loved more than I possibly could have loved, and that whatever lessons and messages I have left on this world will be good and full of worth. I hope I fought when I was alive. That is all I could ever wish for anyone.
In the end, I am glad that I was born. And I love so many of you.
–Celi