Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don’t have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.
Walking into the bedroom you shared with your soul mate to only find them dead is a very terrifying reality that happened to me just over four months ago. While my memories of the week(s) that passed after Jason died are a blur, the image of him in our bed will forever be in my head. As time has passed, I’m realizing that maybe I am not as O.K. as I think or say I am. There is no manual to read to help you get your life back after losing someone you loved, simply because it’s different for everyone.
Some of the things I have noticed that are different mentally for me are thinking the worst when someone doesn’t respond to my text after a reasonable amount of time. Normally Jason would text me when he woke up, (he worked overnights so his day didn’t start until after 7:30PM) and when I hadn’t heard form him by 8:30PM I started to text to see if he was awake or to wake him up in case he forgot to set his alarm. Then I started to call like a crazy person and by 10PM I knew in my heart that he was no longer here. His sister Amy was here in Las Vegas recently along with Justin, his best friend, and his wife. Amy stayed in the spare room of the house and when she didn’t wake up to me knocking on her door, I sent her a text. When she didn’t reply to the text, I immediately started to panic.
People will laugh at me when I tell them they can’t not respond to a text from me because it causes me to panic. I simply let them know that the last time I didn’t hear back from someone was because they didn’t even get the messages in the first place because they were called Home.
Jason’s cause of death was listed as Dilated Cardiomyopathy. He had an enlarged heart that he didn’t know about and his heart just stopped beating while he was sleeping. Since no one was home, calling 911 to save him was not an option and even if I was home, I don’t think I would have known anything was wrong. He looked very peaceful when I found him, it did not look like there was a struggle to get up for help.
Thankfully he passed away in his sleep, the way we all want to go. He did not have to suffer, which gives me some kind of peace. Now, I’m always thinking I have the same thing Jason did and I am going to die the same way. I think I’m having a heart attack when it’s just allergies or a cold coming on. Some of the symptoms of an enlarged heart are being tired all the time, which I am, but I work nights and never get a full night of sleep. Swollen hands and feet are also a symptom. The moment my fingers are puffy I want to run to the doctor, but I realize I haven’t had much water and we live in the desert. Shortness of breath is also a sign, but I realize I am just out of shape and need to get back to a healthier lifestyle. There have been many nights where I wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up the next day. I even go to bed fully clothed, every night, just in case I pass in my sleep.
I am glad I am aware of what is going on in my mind so I can take care of myself so I can live a happy life and not worry about dying constantly. It’s not that I am scared of dying, because I am not anymore since I have someone so very special to me waiting for me, but it’s now always on my mind. While it’s normal to think the way I am right now, it’s not healthy to continue to live with these thoughts.
Don’t be ashamed of having to seek out help if you too are struggling with anything that is happening to you. Life is not perfect. Much like we go to someone to get our hair looking good and our nails, we too can go to someone to get our heads clear and ready to take life on with a clear view!
XOXO, Jade