2 years ago right now I sat awake in my room at my parents house grappling with the reality that a man I loved like a father was dying. The fact that I did not have a job to support myself with and that I was living with my parents. The earlier was far more earth shattering than the latter.
He arrived home to hospice 2 years ago today in the afternoon. I did not want to go when there was a large crowd or bother him so I was going to wait until morning. He did not make it until morning. Although I was awake when he died, I did not sleep one second that night. I found out around 6 am that you had passed away from my mom (she worked with a friend of his). Which really hurt that I found out he died from someone else.
The sun still rose the next day. People got up, went to work, and the earth still kept rotating.
How can the earth still keep spinning when your entire world has been shattered?
Coach,
You had cancer but you were going to have your bone marrow transplant and you would be back home by Christmas.
The next few months were spent staying up all night,binging and sleeping all day. Denying the reality that you are gone. The reality that I still cannot accept.
When I found out you were going to die. I was so angry at you. I was angry because how could you just give up? How could you just quit? That was not at all what was happening. Your organs were failing, your lungs were infected with pneumonia. After over 14 years with cancer your body had handle all it could. Then I was angry because why did you have to die and why couldn’t I just die in your place.
Before the transplant you had said that you were at peace no matter what happen. You were okay if it was your time to go. It was me that selfishly wanted and needed you to stay.
I wish you could see what I have accomplished, at the same time I am glad you cannot see who I am right now. Ever since you died I have been falling apart steadily for the last 2 years.
Things are almost at a crisis point right now. If things do not get sorted out soon I will be joining you sooner rather than later.
I love you always,
MK