I’ve been thinking about Mom a lot lately. Since the anniversary of her death – July 14, 2015. The single moment when she died… when she took her last breath.
Taking care of Mom for all those years – around 10 or so – it never fundamentally changed me. I was able to absorb that experience into my life. Now don’t get me wrong–saying it didn’t change me — isn’t entirely accurate note the use of the word fundamentally changed me. I’m no saint, so I often had internal conflicts over the constraints of caring for her. We sort of became co-conspirators in writing this narrative that Mom’s disability was much less impactful than it was. I think Mom knew a lot of what was going on in the illusion of ability. She wanted to believe that story and I wanted to believe that story. The story where Mom’s disability was not that big of a deal – it was. Nonetheless, I really could absorb this new kind of life. I’m not a parent, but I imagine it might be that kind of change. The only thing that I just couldn’t absorb was the loss of sleep- but that was then.
When we had to move Mom to assisted living- things changed a bit more. It was anything but a normal life and although I was able to absorb a lot of it —
this experience that was so far from normal became normal. So we were able to settle in — I never felt like I had changed.
But the last year of Mom’s life watching this horrible slow decline- that began to leave its mark. Her life became so impossible to imagine – the indignities of her activities of daily living were beyond horrible. So during that last year – I could feel my inside changing but I was too busy pretending Mom wasn’t dying.
But she was and I was sitting next to her…. holding her hand and listening to her as she stopped breathing. And in that instant I changed.
I’ve been trying to figure out how. On the one hand — I’m living this life of a depressed person. Its hard to imagine the amount of anti-depressants I am on. Still I’ve tried to build some sort of life — but I can’t. I am really struggling to figure out how I’ve changed and what journey I should start.
I can’t believe it is my fate to spend the rest of my life in this half alive state.
I feel like my life somehow became bigger than I could contain. I also felt like I had this God moment and from that point on— almost everything in my life seems insignificant. I feel insignificant, but there are moments when I hear God whispering….you did change — you have been marked by love. You matter and you are significant. Well that is terrifying and how do you live into that.
I don’t know, it is all a chaotic swirl clouding my life, wearing me out, and leaving me somewhat tilting more towards believing that I am so insignificant that my life is hollow. That my life is nothing and that I am nothing.
Yet…. there is that voice…. that are these scary moments….but reaching out and listening to God, believing, and letting God touch you –mark you – that is the change and that is the terror.