I knew I wasn’t normal, I knew it is easy for me to live this crazy wild world because I like different and want to be different.
When my father died last May, I felt angst and sorrow all at the same time. I was filled with deep regrets, an awful lot of it. Why have we only talked about forgiveness just once, and never talked about it again after him deciding to break our hearts once more by making a decision of not going back home. Why I have cared for a colleague accompanying him in figuring out what his illness was (RO TB Pneumocotis or Lymphoma) while all the while my very dad is already having the signs and symptoms of an impending fatal heart attack. Why I was so cold in our last moments together, why I only talked about applying as Nurse in PNP and never going into details why I would want to go back practicing the Profession again. Why did you preferred to live an unhappy life without us, why did you ever believed you were loved by you mistress. Why you have broken our hearts, and allowed us to live our own lives without you in it. Why you never cared attending the College graduation of my brothers- an engineer and lawyer to be. Why I have nor forgive you totally keeping my a shallow understanding of forgiveness “How-can-I-forgive-Someone-who-isn’t even-sorry” Why I have missed you and never ever telling you about it.
I love you Papa. I am trying hard not to allow the anger to resurface and just deal with the normal grieving process.
And then comes another death. My Uncle Lito, eldest brother of my Mama who passed away of complications of Diabetes last July 26… He didn’t made it on his last session of dialysis. The night uncle died, I took an overtime at work and when I got home Ma told me these words “Nurse ka baga, look after your Uncle Lito he’s at the hospital right now” but overlooked the words and hadn’t went at Mother Seton Hospital which is only less than 2 kilometers away. How stupid it is for me to think the Visiting Hours from which i will not only be “visiting” in the first place. How silly of me to ignore the feeling of going to my Uncl that night, and rather spent minutes or hours polishing my motorcycle. How stupid of me to ignore the bizarre calls and signs of impending death of a loved one. My Uncle Lito is the one I talked about my political views and how I changed from being Nationalistic and “Pro-Duterte” to someone who doesn’t care any more because I realized too late I cast the wrong vote; That I must stop working in an organization that does not coincide with my values and beliefs on Truth and Life vs Deceit and Killings. He is someone who asked about what I plan of my life as a nurse and go about practicing it once more to land a job abroad just like my cousin.
My soul is crushed in tiny pieces of bit. And an escape at work does not solve the problem. In fact, it all the more burdens me that I just want to finally quit doing the current non-Nurse jobs any more. No more excuses, no more waiting time or grace period. I want to quit my job A.S.A.P.
Too many death in a span of 3 months of the same year. Add up dealing with grief from losing a favorite singer Chester Bennington of Linkin Park… his passing was unique. His absence in this world echoed from his fans all throughout ages, nationality and color. His demons took a legend that left nothing but great music and lyrics that will forever stay.
It’s true, your greatest enemy is oneself… but your very self is also your best friend. The past days I have been battling with the loneliness, regrets, pride and emptiness. I have acknowledged it and feel it, those feelings are great reminders that I am human, that feeling down and depressed, and angry is part of being human.
I hope this shall pass… I am finding the courage get off this phase of Adulting.