This year I have publicly cried a lot. This is awkward as I was new to my job when we got Ted’s diagnosis, and I live in a country where shows of emotion are frowned upon (let alone crying in front of strangers in a professional setting where I can’t leave easily). I know this and yet I can’t seem to stop the tears.
You would think that with time as I got use to things it would upset me less, but the reduction in emotion that I have long awaited has not yet arrived. If I were to ask for one gift (other than for Ted to be better) it would be to have control over my tears.
My main defence mechanism is to try to steer the conversation away from Ted, to compartmentalise work and home. As a relatively open person, that is a harder feat than it might seem. Also the more elusive you are the more people try to push for info.
For instance:
<stranger> How long are you staying at this job for?
<me> Not sure.
<stranger> Why is that?
<me> It depends on a few social circumstances.
<stranger> Oh, like what?
<me> Ahhhhh, ummmm ….my husband has cancer (burst into tears).
Needless to say that I wouldn’t make a very good double agent. Time and time again I make poor unsuspecting strangers very uncomfortable by my shows of emotion.
I’ve been thinking, in a country where lack of emotional control is frowned upon and awkward, would it be preferable to have emotional control but lack some kind of physical control. For instance, would people feel less uncomfortable if when I talked about Ted I wet my pants, but kept a straight face with dry eyes? Something to think about…