I will admit it…I can’t shut off my brain. I never could.
So I have been trying for the last few weeks to get my life sorted out. I am now back to square one and it’s all because of a piece of news I found out from a friend on Facebook.
The friend is one of the few people I talk to from my old church and she had an obit for a former Catholic Daughters member who was of my chapter and was one of the few that actually respected me.
You see, there was this small group in my old chapter that were very nice to me and respected me for what I could do, not what I couldn’t. They thought that I had some great ideas and that while I wasn’t perfect, I at least tried my hardest to do everything I can to the best of my ability.
This group of women slowly started to fade. Some chose to move out of the area because they wanted to be closer to family or they were retiring to another part of the country with their spouses, others passed away, and still others like this lady, had health issues that made it next to impossible to stay active so they went inactive.
That made it hard on me because I was then left with a group of women who acted like the world revolved around this one member and this member had a personal issue with me and I will never fully know why. Was it because my parents let me have a sense of adventure? Was it because I didn’t at least go to a Catholic university like she did (we both went to public schools)? Was it because my parents were of two different branches of Christianity, my father was married once before and my mom was wife number two, they encouraged me to learn whatever I could and use that knowledge freely? Or was it because I was a woman who voted for Democrats in every presidential election since 1996 and had a dad who respected men like JFK and Bill Clinton not because of their personal indiscretions but because of their ideals on how to change the world…or at least things in America?
Okay, that last one was because she is what I call a “Closeted Republican” which is people who are registered Democrat but vote Republican. It usually happens when you are in an area with mostly Democrats and you think you have to be one to vote in a primary. It usually happens in a closed primary state (like Pennsylvania) but the reality is you can be either Democrat or Republican, just not a third party or Independent.
Social science lesson aside, truth is I don’t know why this woman chose to be rude towards me and bully me and I don’t think I will ever know. Now my sister knew of her because they went to the same high school (my sister was about two years ahead of her) and she told me that she was always the kid who got picked on and then started acting like she was better than everyone else. The only thing I can reference that remark my sister made the plot line to the 1999 film Jawbreaker where this nerdy girl named Fern (played by Judy Greer) is transformed into a popular girl by these mean girls led by the vile Courtney Shane (played by Rose McGowan).
Well, this woman made my life so bad that I eventually realized that I should have just not joined that chapter in the first place and should have just left the Catholic church because as we know, my joining was a last ditch effort to stay in a church I did not fully fit into.
I wanted to go to the viewing of this former member but sadly, it didn’t happen. What happened is I remember a few people telling me it probably wasn’t a good idea because I would see those horrible bullies and it would just hurt me in the end. You really want to know something? Now that I think of it, the women who got the power after the nicer ones fade away were really bad middle age to senior citizen clones of the main characters of Jawbreaker and you know what? Truth is this woman may have stared out like Fern but she quickly turned into Courtney which is really sad (remember, in the end of Jawbreaker, Fern quickly turns against Courtney along with almost everyone else).
And now what do I have? The memories flooding back. It’s flooding back because I now got to the stage where I can’t even pay respects to people who respected me and I respected them. There was one member who had a 100th birthday a couple years ago who I connected with because she used to live in the neighborhood I did and her husband was one of the founding members of the fire company that has a station across the street from my house but I never knew until I some how came across an article from a Philly area news site on Google.
I also found out that the Judy Greer/Rose McGowan from Jawbreaker type got to do more with Catholic Daughters by becoming a chair of a program on the state level. Ironically it’s their family programs which I find hilarious because this is a woman who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t have much in the way of family, and claims the only reason why she teaches middle school is because she can’t tolerate anyone under the age of 13.
Excuse me while I use my desk…
Maybe I shouldn’t be too angry because truth is I have had a better adventure on this walk with God, however, to them, I am a leper. I was quickly shunned after I left and when I saw some of them on the parade route of our town’s Christmas parade this year while helping out with the float for the Baptist church I have been a member of since 2015, I got dirty stares and that mean woman looked away where it was obvious that she didn’t want to see me at all. Hey, lady, if you are going to look away, at least pretend to be grabbing your phone to answer a text or something.
I mean, I got to do that and they sit on the sidelines every year. I got to work with kids during the Vacation Bible School which they would never do. In fact, they don’t even bother with the kids in the parish unless they are students of the parish’s school or the CCD class!
And they sure the hell don’t encourage cultural diversity. That’s why I love the church I’m at now: It’s so diverse that Angelina Jolie would probably adopt it.
Seriously, at my old church, it was mostly white anglo-saxton types and Latinos. There were a couple of black people and maybe a few mixed race ones. I was a part of that latter group…I am white and Native American. Truth is in the last couple of years, I’ve learned to embrace that and it’s because of the church I’m at now!
This church has Asians, blacks, whites, Latinos, people of mixed race…you get the idea. There was even this really awesome couple that came to my church and they said they just came to America from Brazil and my Sunday school class invited them to join us.
Last night, my mother & I had dinner with a couple of friends and one of them had a group of Asians with her and they were all students she mentored and helped out when they were in college here in the States!
Never saw that in my old church and guess what? The Catholic Daughters were the biggest criminals when it came to discouraging cultural diversity. I actually said once that we should get minorities in the chapter because I am mixed race and there was one member who was black. I thought it would be an awesome experience for the both of us and I saw other chapters where they did indeed have black and Latino members. They didn’t go for it. They acted like the Latinos didn’t speak English when truth is most of them did…just not very well. Come on, I had Latino friends in high school so I know.
Need to use that desk again…
Okay, I need to stop using that gif but there are things that are making me want to headdesk so hard right now.
The worst part of letting go is realizing that you have to let go of everyone in that situation, inculding those who respected you. I know people will disagree with me but I feel like I have to do this because of the memories being so damn painful.
I wish I knew what to do. I know that the ones who respected me didn’t really have much contact with me after I left because like Scientology, the Amish, and most cults, it seems Catholic Daughters of the Americas (or at least my old chapter) has this thing about women who leave “the order” (what are we, nuns?) are shunned.
But why? I mean, after I left, I didn’t feel like I was no different than they were. I was still a human being like they were with feelings, thoughts, and if you were to cut me and them, we would bleed the same color blood. Yes, I said I left because I had some issues to tend to both personally and spiritually but they translated it as “Let’s slam the door on her.”
Yes, my timing was a bit off because it was after the executive board election where I lost chapter president to the one that was kinda like Marcie in Jawbreaker (played by Julie Benz). Now that I think of it, maybe I was more like Rebecca Gayheart’s character, Julie. She was the one that was a part of this group, was with them when they killed their friend, and then started distancing herself because she was haunted by the memories.
The only difference? Julie was able to bring down Courtney by revealing that she killed her friend. I can’t bring down my own version of Courtney for being a bully who did some unethical things.
And I will admit I didn’t take it well but like Fern in that film, I was built up but the minute I showed a fierce side (like Fern did), I was knocked down so what were they expecting? For me to sit there and be a “Stepford Wife?” Nope, not happening. I left because I know in a world where Courtneys and Marcies rule, the Juiles and Ferns are always destroyed.
I apologized for my timing and my actions. I apologized for everything and still I was shunned. And now I have to abandon even honoring or paying respect to the people who didn’t act like the ones in my Jawbreaker analogy (seriously, if you like black comedy and teen angst, see if you can find this on Netflix). That hurts.
I was going to go in and if someone said something, I was going to say that I was somewhere that I can praise and serve God and feed my sense of wonder and adventure at the same time. But I wasn’t even given the opportunity for that. Sad really.
Guess one of the steps in no longer being broken is to even abandon those who respected you because they are connected to the Marci or Courtney types. It’s sad and it will be a long time before that wound on my heart heals. It will…someday.
Don’t forget to be awesome.