So I’ve done a lot of crying here. I have a lot of internal struggles. I go back and forth. I have issues. I am not sure where to begin in sorting through and working them out. I wish I had a counselor or someone to give a bit of guidance to help point me in the right direction. I spend a lot of time sad and frustrated at myself. I’m lonely and really want a companion, a husband. I’m tired of doing everything alone. I have friends. Yea I know I need to have people here too, but that’s just not my top priority. It doesn’t help that other need for someone to do life with you and be your support. I am realizing I have a lot of traits from my mother and this depresses me. I used to always see myself as this cool, calm, and collected person and now I’m anxious, worry, don’t trust people, and sometimes down myself (negativity). I hate this. That’s not who I want to be and to get real gut level honest I really like myself. I wish I made it here sooner. I have a decent head on my shoulders. If I could do life over I would of lived it more fully. I hate that I was delayed so much. Better late than never though. I get down a lot, but the past few nights at work it’s like I found some sort of deep rooted energy in me and it occurred to me no matter how bad I feel (depressed, sad, lonely, hopeless, misery) it could be worse! I could still be back in Indiana surrounded by all the negativity and still feel oppressed. I made it out! That means there is certainly hope for me yet. I may not feel great and happy all the time, but I’m free. There is a burden that’s been lifted. I no longer feel the weight of the world on me. This is my new start and I’m dealing and facing things head on. It’s difficult, maybe the most difficult thing I’ve faced, but I’m no longer living in hell. Praise the Lord! I gots to keep moving forward! I’ll get there :) I have to believe that.
Radioactive is my new theme song. I’m rising above all this!