We take an entire 3 credit hour course on Palliative Care. We do a clinical rotation on a Palliative unit or in the community and work directly with people looking death in the face. We learn about therapeutic communication, silence, and the compassion found in touch. And no matter how much you learn about the dying patient, I don’t think it’ll ever be easy to hear someone say, “I want to die.”
I recently had the privilege of working with a patient who has been in hospital longer than expected. Her health has declined since the last time I worked with her and it’s difficult to see. This is a snapshot of part of our conversation:
Patient: You know what I want?
Me: What do you want?
Patient: I want to die.
Me: Don’t say that. Hopefully after ________, you’ll feel a bit better, have a bit more energy.
Patient: No. You don’t understand.
Me: Oh?
Patient: I want to eat Macaroni and Cheese.. *Pause* And then I want to die.
As much as we learn about it in a lecture hall, from presentations, or from previous experiences, I don’t think it ever gets easier. I don’t think I’ll ever find the right words to say. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing it.
Rest in Paradise to all those beautiful souls who suffer and struggle with their last few days, hours, and/or breaths.. You won’t be forgotten.