The rain today is so beautiful. I awoke at 2:00 am to the smell of damp soil and green–the green of mountain pine trees.
I slipped out of the room so as not to wake my sweet dog, who I knew would be enjoying the fresh fragrance in a few hours. Her sense of smell is one of the few things that hasn’t given out on her after almost 16 years.
My heart is melancholy as I realize that we are facing her final days. Her heart and soul are so much larger than her now lumpy frame. I’ve watched as her body is starting to fail her. It can’t support her grand, beaming spirit. Her puppyish face has tufts of white-gray, now, and her bright eyes circle around an ever dulling pupil.
What will I do without her?
It is now mid-morning and it is still raining softly.
Appropriately beautiful.
Appropriately sad.
I let the heavens cry as my proxy. I am afraid the gush of my own tears would never stop.
My heart is breaking, but it is so filled with love for a gentle being who has graced me with her presence for almost 8 years.
I want to hold on.
I need to let her go.
Such a grace. Such a light. Such a love.
Later, we move to my office to work. It’s only the past 6 months that Coco has become my co-worker—opting to stay upstairs with me. I feel she may be trying to give me some extra attention as I am struggling to let her go.
I open the book that I turn to for readings at ceremonies of the heart. It is broken up by days of the year. I am touched by the message today:
“There is no third possibility: love is either conditional or unconditional. …The essential message of unconditional love is one of liberation. …You do not have to be fearful that love will be taken away. … I will always love you.”*
The rain seems to have picked up a little, now. Coco is snoring gently from her bed that she has pushed up to the back side of my chair in order to know when I make a move from my desk.
My heart breaks a little more.
COCO, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
*(Through Seasons of the Heart, John Powell, S.J. p.228)
Note: This was written on August 4, 2014. We lost Coco on October 31, 2014.