In my Human Development class we are on the chapter Death and Dying. It is something that we will all have to face at some point in our lives. It may be our own death, we all will die. It could be a loved ones death or more likely both.
Last night an unexpected snow event occurred. It went just south of where I live but dropped about inch of sleet/snow and maybe a tad of ice. I live in the south and we do not regularly get snow. It snows almost every year a few times but not enough for it to be a regular event. When it does snow the whole world shuts down. I am not sure why for snow but for ice I understand. People do not drive safely in winter weather here. They drive 70 bumper to bumper and when you add snow to the mix people die. You cannot stop on a dime in snow. We get snow often enough that people should know how to drive in it but they do not. Unfortunately, this morning there was a nine car pile up and someone died. I do not know much about the accident but I guarantee they were following too close for the weather conditions and now someone is dead.
Usually, it does not start with any winter weather until after Christmas. Usually January-March are our heaviest months for snow if we get any. Its the start of November and there are like 4 days next week with the possibility of snow/sleet. They are calling for as bad of a winter with more snow than we have had in “decades”. Personally, I love it. I am comfortable driving in it and it just makes me so darn happy. Even if nothing gets canceled it is just so very beautiful. I know it can be a pain in the butt to have to clean your car off, shovel the driveway and such.
I do not belong in the south. The summers are too long and too hott. Winter cannot come fast enough. I hate summer. You cannot go out and do anything without nearly dying of heat stroke. I would take a 9 degree day over a 109 degree day any day! When summer comes you can only take off so many layers and then you get arrested. You are naked. Winter you can always put on more layers.
Winter is the absence of heat. You can always add heat. There are wonderful warm coats and jackets you can put on. Start a fire and sit by it. With summer nothing you do can take away the heat you can only find shade or go inside.
Tuesday morning I got a text that we had a triple header with games at 6:30, 7:30 and 8:30 to finish out our softball season. We never play games on Tuesdays so it was a bit of a shock. I have been thinking a lot about adoption and my child. Before softball I went to Barnes and Noble. I bought a beautiful leather bound journal for my baby. I guess this is the start of my adoption journey. I am starting to save soon for the adoption and all the things my little love bug will need. I will be 25 in a couple months but I want to leave open the possibility to get married. So I am waiting until my 29th birthday to start the training to be a foster parent. Then on my 30th birthday I will start the adoption process if all goes as planned. I have no doubt in my heart that it is gods plan for me to adopt. It just feels so right. Even if I have to do it alone it feels right.
The thought of doing it alone is scary as hell. Not because I cannot handle it. I am sure I can. Will it be easy, absolutely not. I have survived many horrible heart breaking things, I can do this. No doubt in my mind. It almost killed me but I survived. I’ve survived life shattering depression, a horrific car accident, a deadly eating disorder, crippling PTSD, and I came out on the other side stronger. I can adopt. I am strong enough to do it. The reason I find it scary as hell is because what if I ruin my child? There will come a time when there are things that hurt their soul that I cannot fix. Adoption is wonderful and beautiful but also tragic. It is an immense loss for the child. They are losing an entire family. I cannot change that. I can only love them. Once they are in my care I cannot stop the world from happening to them. I cannot protect them from everything.
That is what scares me the most. I cannot not prevent them from getting cancer, or developing an eating disorder (Please God if I have to suffer for the rest of my life from that just spare my baby!!!!). I cannot guarantee I will live to see them as an adult. I guess that is what scares me the most. Not that I would be dead but that they would be parentless… again. I know someone in my family would take them and raise them but they would not be mom. I am their mother. No one can care for my baby like I will. I pray to God that is not an issue but if I end up a single mother that is something I have to consider. I have to consider also that I want my parents to be a large part in this child’s life. If I wait until I’m 29 to start this process and my dad dies around the same age my grandfather did he will not live to see them graduate high school. Oh my freaking goodness that is not that many years longer… I cannot think about this.. I am already falling apart.
How is it possible to miss someone you have not even met yet? I am so ready to be a mother… I know it is not in Gods plans for this moment in my life. I just have to be patient. I will be a mother. It may be a few years down the road but I will be.
Until you are in my arms love, I will be patiently waiting for you. <3
Okay I have to stop now. I am making myself cry..