Its late and it’s been a horrible day. Too much for this one. It began simple enough, I called hubby to ask if he was coming for me. He said why…you need more food? Ya, I need more food. So I drove to town and met him. The first argument happened right away. The 2nd when I told him we needed to go to TSC for feed. He wanted to buy 4 bags. What the hell? 4 bags of feed for 50 goats? It escalated into a fight right there in TSC. 14 bags sweetfeed 12%……and 14 bags Austin dairy ration. Mixed together is the norm. In the end…he got 7 bags. The dirty looks came outta my eyes and I could feel them. Nasty. I kept telling him I didn’t feel good. Even told him just in case he should know I may pass out. Still…..I did the grocery buggy pushing, the puppy food put up (50lb), then he stopped back at his friends where my car was and he went inside….leaving me to drive home unattended and dizzy. I was so mad still about the feed issue that I could spit. I was like…that does it. I’m selling them all, not keeping a one! If I ever get in a place where I’m healed…then I can buy a few. I’m still furious and trying to figure out my next move and his attitude is…well…it sucks. It’s not nice. It’s all about money with him. No support, and seemingly…no caring either. I told him how much pain I’m in…nothing. He knows I’m on day 14 of no beer and no cigarettes…nada nothing said whatsoever in praise or good job….nothing…just him…continuing to smoke…in the house, in the truck as we drive…no matter. We are all baffled here. I mean, I’m used to being ignored, but he usually takes care of me. Oh and btw, to my knowledge….he has never read my blog. It was 2 years in May.
The pain issue…..well, God must think I’m the strongest JOB on the planet. First I get the muscle disease from childhood on….up until now, eh???? Then I also get the suicidal sadness for the first 38 years. Now….. when I’m told I’m dying….I get so much more heaped on. I get the neck pain, the fire in the back, the liver pain, the food discomfort, the sore body which feels like bruises are everywhere I touch….and a bit of itching too….it’s all fire/heat from the liver. I wonder why he would give me so much? It feels unfair, much as Job would have and did feel. I love HIM/HER anyway.
I’m noticing that I’m extremely raw….emotionally. Everything is deep and meaningful to me and brings me to tears. It’s very hard to be on FB lately….with all the heartrending happiness we see so much of. It doesn’t usually get to me like this…sure, a bit…some…but this is constant. Constant…..Oh God that is too great for me to bear. Then there’s also the depression aspect. I know I know…I’m only thinking of myself. Other people have issues too. Like Summer who has been locked out of the tiny trailer she stays in. She’s quite upset. I guess I’m having a hard time with compassion lately when it comes to family. Strangers…yup….got it. Family…no. Mostly cuz I don’t feel much myself…ya, greedy I know. Compassion shouldn’t be based on whether or not I receive it…it should be freely given. I try. I have alot of anger now and alot of sadness and alot of pain. And fever too today. Going to have a few tests done Monday to see if the mold did any damage. Oh….Summer and I got in a fairly big argument tonight and then we did Decree calls like the Violet Flame and Archangel Michael….to clear us. Then George called….and next thing I know….Summer tosses me some fiber and I start a small painting. Hey, it’s a beginning. Baby steps. Ok….night night y’all. 1:25am = 8 = infinity.
It feels like my life has come to the point of….its all about money. I never told you about the cookies at Anahata. There were some in a baggie on the counter and Summer insisted that meant we could eat some. We did. Oh my goodness, the healthiest looking cookies ever and oh so scrumptious to boot. I felt guilty for eating 2….but was so starving for good taste in my mouth. Come morning, there was now a sign on the baggie….Please EAT. Oh Lordie, they knew!!!! Apparently they were extras! I then asked everyone who walked through the doors…did you make the cookies? No. Did you make the cookies? No. The other day, Summer got an email…..I made the cookies! Yay! So now as of today…..we have the recipe. And also now….I gotta get up the nerve to walk into the living room and ask my hubby for money to go to Whole Foods in Austin, where all the non GMO and organic foods are. He’s already said he’s not gonna support that….but if he doesn’t support that he isn’t supporting me LIVING. What a conundrum. I ache with the uselessness of it all. And in the meantime…nothing happens except for the few herbal meds I have. (milk thistle, dandelion, artichoke), olive leaf, turmeric and vit C. They did help me get past, along with a gazillion prayers, past the mold incident….but they will NOT CURE ME. Like I said, I’ve got a list in order of what I want that goes to about 6. 6 being iboga…..really scares me now for some reason. I wish there was just one choice, then I’d have chosen it by now and would be started on it already and healing already. All seem out of reach….except the VIt C, but I’d rather not unless forced. IN the meantime….my virus is just chugging along on the train tracks. I did once ask God to show me what death is like…..and He showed me getting hit by a runaway crashing train.
So, apparently I’m not done with the fever. It is the come and go type. As I fed the girls, it was all I could do to stand up. I couldn’t do the little boys, so Summer did. I’m so sad but they need to go…and in a hurry. I’m so cold I’m under all bed blankets….but my body is so hot…I just lay my cold parts next to the hot parts and its better. I’ve been sitting here spouting off nonsense for quite awhile. I was feelin so bad for my pain that I decided to pray for others who had it worse. Good griefy GOD…..its not balanced at ALL!!! I’m not happy about that. Ok…time to go, so signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
