Dear Alex,
To my former best friend. For the longest time losing our friendship was the hardest thing I had ever been through. My observation of our fall is that I being a great friend tried to help you and you abandoned me, left me high and dry. I was so sad. My heart was broken. It ached pain that I don’t think I have ever felt in all my life. I remember crying and begging for you to come back. I apologized and asked for your forgiveness. Yet for what? Reflecting this great loss of my life I see now where my thinking was so messed up. Our friendship was unhealthy. Our worlds revolved around one another. I loved you and when you made a mistake I intervened. I tried to fix and save you. I should not of done that. I tried to help you so you wouldn’t have to experience any consequences. Life is all about cause and affect and that is a natural part of growing. Suffering. I tried to own your choices, your behavior. The only one I have to be responsible for is me and no one else. I cared and worried too much. I should of let go a long time ago.
Friendship is a two way street and you were not so innocent yourself. You made mistakes. You used guilt trips and manipulation on me because you knew that would get your way. You knew that would hurt me. The ironic thing is you left me and I felt tremendous guilt that was not needed. I thought it was all my fault. Then I got angry. And I had to learn to forgive you for that. But I was angry at the wrong thing. I was angry you left. I should of been more angry at the sins you did to me. You know it took me years and years to get over this devastating loss. It almost destroyed me.
We’ve talked a few times since everything happened and you act like you are over it and moved on, even suggesting we keep in touch again. Every time you fail though. Still using the same tactics I see to control me. For the first time in my life I think I see the bigger picture. I think I get it all. When I think of you I no longer see all the hurt and pain, my heart shattering into a million pieces, but I see how God saved me. God had to break me in order to heal me and change me. You know it too when every time we talk you always say how you don’t even know anymore. That’s the biggest compliment you could give me.
I used to believe that God could heal our friendship and I believe he can do anything, but that’s not what He wants. I don’t think He wants me to be in a destructive unhealthy friendship. I think He cares and loves me that He wants me to learn from the loss, to experience it and continue moving forward. And to try and be friends, it’s just a reminder of all my pain. I think sometimes God heals you inside instead of just healing the outside. While He could heal our friendship, maybe He has something greater in store than that.
So this is my goodbye for good. You were a big chapter. A defining moment in my life. And you know what I still miss you. 7 years of my youth is filled with memories of you. That’s hard to forget. You know it’s been 8 years. 8 years! That is a long time, but I just now am learning about real forgiveness. I feel peace. I am accepting this heartache and owning it for the first time. It is my loss and hurt and it will forever be a scar on me, but I no longer have to let it control me and define me. You know how it feels? It feels like freedom! It makes me think of one of those movies where a person dies and you see their spirit leave the body and you know it’s over. It’s gone. It’s the end of that person. It’s finally over…I am amazed and almost can’t believe it. Oh how I’ve tried over and over these past years to let it go, to let you go, but I finally made it to live my life freely in peace. I feel relief.
I think from listening to you talk that you would love to find healing in our friendship. It’s too late. That bridge has been burned. It’s funny how time has a way of doing things to us as people. We change. We grow. We switch places with each other. Sometimes you just can’t go back. Sometimes that is something to praise God for! Because I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward and start my new fresh life! Full of love, forgiveness, peace, hope, while having no idea where God is going to take me or what He is going to do, but that it will be great :)