*Please ignore the word choice, grammatical or spelling errors my brain is done for*
For the last week or so it feels like things are about to spiral out of control. I am doing all I can to prevent that from happening. I have been researching and trying to find ways to help myself that do not involve a lot of money or time.
Upon my research I stumbled upon a very depressing article on the long term effects of eating disorders and its effect on mortality later in life. Having suffered from an eating disorder knocks an average of 12 years off of your life. That is assuming you live through the eating disorder in the beginning. Later on it catches up to people and takes about 12 years off of your lifespan.
I am not really sure how I feel about this. Except for the past few years most of my life I spent thinking I was not going to make it to 13, or 16, or 18, definitely not 21. But here I am 26 and I made it through and now that I made it through it is still going to cut my life short? Seriously.
I averaged my grandparents ages (two are still living and amazing health at 85 and 75) and if I live an average of their ages (minus my grandfather who died from smoking very young) I should in theory live to around 79 years and three months. If I lose 12 years that would be 67 years and three months. Several of my aunts and uncles are in their early 60’s. That is not long from 26 to 67.
Our staff meeting was canceled to work on grades so I worked for a bit and left. I went to see my grandfather. It had been a long time since I went to go see him even though the cemetery is not far from my work. After I ran around to look for sandals and buy more clothes because I am sad.
My energy level and depression right now on 1 being no energy cannot get out of bed to 10 being super energetic. I am at a 3 and that is being generous. Last timr this happen breathing was hard to do because it took so much energy. Spring always makes my depression worse.
It is how it was over spring break the only thing I wanted to do was go like crazy and buy things. There is not a thing in the world I want (other than a leather watch band for my fitbit) but that won’t make me happy and I really do not need to spend anymore one on anything I do not have to.
As I was running around I got this overwhelming feeling that things are about to spiral out of control and that I am going to die. It was not a terrifying feeling but a feeling of disbelief. I have fought way too long and way too hard to lose now.
Another lovely note on top of all the other wonderful things I think I have a stress fracture in my foot again. About 18 months ago I had (what I think was a)horrible stress fracture in my lower shin and in my foot. It was so bad that I could not walk on it for a while. This discomfort has been going on since the NEDA Walk ( a week ago sunday). Stress fractures usually result from an increase in activity suddenly. I have been work 5-6 hours a day on Saturday and Sunday for almost 4 months. I have been doing more during the week but not a ton more.